Reviving the Lost Love of My Childhood Self

A couple nights ago, I had a visceral, embodied realization which broke down walls in me that have been in place for over 25 years:

As a child, particularly between the ages of 3-7, I loved with profound depth and intensity. I lost the ability to love with that level of potency somewhere between ages 9-12, and I’ve been without it for almost three decades.

Looking back, I recall that this innocent childhood love reverberated from my core, from an inner part of me so deeply rooted in the very essence of my being that it was connected to a higher purpose — perhaps the very purpose that was cosmically placed in me at birth.

Not only could I feel this level of love, but I could also give this love to others, including people, animals, and even inanimate objects, such as my toys and stuffed animals.

As a child, I never questioned whether it was “reasonable” or “acceptable” for myself to love in this manner.

Never once did I rationalize or think about expressing love. It’s just who I was. Love was my intrinsic nature, woven into my fabric of being.

I’ve come to the realization that this level of absolute, untainted love has prevented me from forming deeper bonds with those around me, and in nearly all cases, my own inner defense mechanisms prevented me from realizing the beauty of relationships on the other side.

Now I’m calling this magnificent love back into my life, carefully nurturing and caring for it.

I’m so grateful to have started this blog, taking the time to document my healing journey — this is the type of breakthrough I’ve been seeking.

The innocent love of a child

As a kid, my stuffed animals were my closest friends; I held deep love for them, literally able to feel what they felt (image credit)

I grew up in the rural farmlands of Maryland. There were very few neighbor kids to play with, none of which were in my age group.

The experience was lonely and isolating, and as a result, my toys and stuffed animals became my closest friends.

These stuffed animals had feelings, and if they were hurting (i.e., dirty, damaged, broken, etc.), then I wasn’t okay — I could literally feel what they were feeling.

What I find so interesting is that, back then, my ability to love was totally unconscious.

It wasn’t a choice, it was simply how I existed in the world.

However, after years of growing up in a broken home, sequestered from friends in an isolated rural area, that glowing orb of pure, tender energy started to dim, losing its gleaming radiance.

Eventually, the orb extinguished entirely, lost in the abyss.

Reconnecting with my child self

That inner orb of love is starting to glow again, and more importantly, I’m actually aware of it within myself.

I’m not sure how to best use it in my adult life, it’s function is still unclear.

It’s emergent, it’s true purpose still unknown.

But that’s okay.

I can wait patiently by the stream of emergence.

Without creation, I wither

If I go even 3-4 days without creating something, anything, I start to feel a part of me wither and die inside (image credit)

I’m especially curious how this level of love will manifest in my ability to create, which is the very reason I started this website in the first place.

I’ve been blocked off from this authentic expression of love since early childhood, and over the past two years in particular, I’ve noticed my creative acts lacking depth, where I create only for money rather than for the feeling that creation evokes.

I’m addressing that misguided creative discrepancy that now.

And while I don’t know precisely what I’ll be creating, I do know the source from which my creation will emanate — that same level of unadulterated love I had as a child, tempered with the discretion and wisdom of a man.

Creation is a sacred act

Every act of creation is a sacred offering to the best within us (image credit)

When creation is channeled through a being rooted in love, grounded and connected with those around them, the very act of creation itself can shake the world.

As John Wineland so eloquently said:

“Create something that is uniquely yours with the unbendable intention of someone who is hell-bent on walking through a wall.

Let whatever it is be a monument to your truest heart and consciousness. Let the rest go. There just isn’t enough time. Life is short and death is coming.”

John Wineland, From the Core

I’m not sure what act of creation I’m building towards, but I trust Trevor Hall when he says:

“Everything, right on time.”

Trevor Hall, Jupiter’s Call

Takeaways

• Childhood’s Profound Love: As a young child, between ages 3-7, I possessed an innate ability to love with a profound depth and intensity that I’ve been missing for almost 30 years.
• Love’s Natural State: This unconditional love was my natural state, arising from a deep inner part connected to a higher purpose. It was a love that flowed easily, without question or reservation.
• Childhood Companionship: My rural upbringing in Maryland was characterized by isolation, with my toys and stuffed animals serving as significant sources of companionship. I felt a deep connection with them, empathizing with their perceived feelings.
• Love’s Disappearance: Over time, due to various life experiences, this radiant energy of love began to wane until it was no longer present.
• Reawakening of Love: I’m currently experiencing a reawakening of this deep, childlike love and am consciously exploring how to integrate it into my adult life.
• Creativity and Love: A major curiosity for me is how this profound love will influence my creative endeavors. Over recent years, I’ve felt my creations lack depth, often driven by monetary reasons rather than genuine passion.
• Creation’s Potential Impact: I firmly believe that when creation is rooted in such a deep love and connection, it holds the power to impact the world in remarkable ways.
• Trusting the Journey: While the exact nature of my future creations remains uncertain, I’m anchored in the belief that everything unfolds exactly as it should, trusting the journey and the timing.

Citation information

Adrian Rosebrock. “Reviving the Lost Love of My Childhood Self”, NaturalDisasters.ai, 2023, https://naturaldisasters.ai/posts/reviving-lost-love-childhood-self-journey/.

@incollection{ARosebrock_RevivingChildhoodSelf
    author = {Adrian Rosebrock},
    title = {Reviving the Lost Love of My Childhood Self},
    booktitle = {NaturalDisasters.ai},
    year = {2023},
    url = {https://naturaldisasters.ai/posts/reviving-lost-love-childhood-self-journey/},
}

AI generated content disclaimer: I’ve used a sprinkling of AI magic in this blog post, namely in the “Takeaways” section, where I used AI to create a concise summary of this article. Don’t fret, my human eyeballs have read and edited every word of the AI generated content, so rest assured, what you’re reading is as accurate as I possibly can make it. If there are any discrepancies or inaccuracies in the post, it’s my fault, not that of our machine assistants.

Header photo by Oxana Lyashenko on Unsplash